Point of No Return

Originally delivered as a speech on January 16, 2020 at a meeting of the Mountaineer Toastmasters.

Should I even bother to apply? The Christine Mirzayan Science and Technology Graduate Fellowship Program at the National Academies of Science, Engineering, and Medicine seemed like a reach. While they say they consider everyone in a graduate degree program or within five years of graduating with such a degree, after reading the bios of many of the alumni it felt like a long shot, only in the second semester of my master’s degree at an average school, sorry Marshall!

Turns out that they don’t get a lot of applicants passionate about transportation and that the Transportation Research Board within the National Academy of Sciences had demand for someone passionate about transportation safety. I was paired with a mentor, Dr. Rick Pain, who would guide me through the next four months of my life in Washington, DC.

Rick Pain was on his third career and had grandchildren older than I was. He seemed to know everyone and everything about transportation safety. I was in awe that this person would even make time for me. Initially it was all business. I caught up with him most mornings to find out what my schedule would look like that day, as I was generally to accompany him to all meetings. I could barely keep them all straight: it’d be the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration in the morning, AARP in the afternoon, after lunch with executives from the American Association of State Highway Transportation Officials. Lots of folks in very high places competed for his time.

About a month after starting, we traveled to a conference in Portland and had a chance to talk about more than just business. We discovered a mutual love of trains. He’d spent a lot of time in Chicago when he was younger and he could paint a picture with words. He’d traveled many of the same routes I had, but before Amtrak when everything was streamlined stainless steel. This mutual passion formed the foundation of our ongoing friendship and the point when his mentorship started carving my path forward. The point of no return.

I could talk for hours about my experience as a Mirzayan Fellow, but let me provide some examples of poignant moments of his mentorship.

Scene 1: The end of a workday, sitting in his office reviewing the work of the day he asked me what my plans were after I finished at Marshall. Specifically, he asked if I was interested in pursuing a Ph.D. We spent two hours talking through what I’d like to do if I pursued that path, talked about the opportunity cost, and he reached out to five faculty members he thought would make a good match. These folks were at some pretty impressive schools, including Penn State. Most wrote back enthusiastically. I had to do the work, but he helped me open doors that I didn’t even realize I had the keys to.

Scene 2: I was preparing the first ever summary of research in the area of distracted driving. I had three days to do the work and then deliver it to a high-profile summit on distracted driving on Capitol Hill. Recognizing that I’d been working almost non-stop for three days, when I was about ready to leave he recommended that I take the train to Philadelphia and treat myself to a nice dinner. He used our similarities, rather than our differences, to provide supportive and kind advice.

Scene 3: One of the last events I attended as a Fellow was at the Transportation Research Board. It was held at the original National Academy of Sciences building on Constitution Avenue, about a block from the Lincoln Monument. In fact, the Albert Einstein Memorial is in the Academies front yard. At one point he pulled me aside to show me something. There are chambers in this building reserved only for members of the National Academies. I couldn’t go in, but the door to the library was open. He explained the history and explained the exclusivity of the space. He said that one day I’d be able to go in. I was a 22-year-old who felt like she was in over her head alongside doctoral students from places like Harvard and Wake Forest, though there was one WVU graduate there, too! Hearing this experienced and well-seasoned gentleman tell me that one day I could go into the chambers even he couldn’t go into, talk about a point of no return.

It was a long shot to apply to this fellowship. I was an underdog. I can point to many projects and policies that I helped start, develop, or support, but the greatest and most enduring result of that fellowship is the mentorship experience that made the course I’m following even possible.

2021-03-28 Fall 2009 Mirzayan Class.jfif

It Will Only Get Better

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It is almost 2021 and it has me thinking that things have to get better soon. I just wrapped up the toughest semester of my teaching career due to COVID-19, a feeding tube, and an ileostomy. My guts are a mess and I cannot continue my journey of having them fixed until the burden on the Cleveland Clinic from COVID019 is reduced enough that they will schedule “elective” surgeries requiring overnight hospital stays. It is frustrating to me that “elective” includes passing my waste into a bag attached to my abdomen with a lot of crazy adhesive (this is how you go #2 with an ileostomy pouch) but, on the other hand, many people live with ileostomy pouches every day. They must be better at pouch management than I am.

Aligning with the surgery, there were also complications. First, my heart rate was too low for surgery and I required a three-day cardiac workup. Next, I developed an ileus, which means part of my intestines did not want to wake up with the rest of them. Finally, my recurring pancreatitis, after a record six years of silence, made a vicious reappearance—corresponding directly to finals week and turning in final grades for my students. The folks in the hospital thought I was nuts for grading while in the hospital, but I also respect and acknowledge the agreement I not only made with the university but, especially, the agreement I made to my students that I would have their material graded by a certain date.

To maintain my health and preparedness for the upcoming surgeries I am hunkering down at home a lot, reading a lot of trashy novels, getting more caught up on emails than I think I have ever been, and reconsidering a jaunt into the blogging world. Reach out if you have any questions about working while navigating multiple abdominal surgeries or if your life experience puts you in a position to offer advice on the matter. Well-wishes are also never declined.

It will only get better!

November 21, 2020 at Massanutten Mountain, Virginia

I'm Alive

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Since graduating with my Ph.D. in Civil Engineering from Penn State, my desire to write has largely been outweighed by my desire to catch up on all of the sleep I did not get as a graduate student. But fear not, as life has moved on nicely. I have been working as a Transportation Analyst at a medium-sized consulting firm that does all kinds of interesting stuff both within the realm of transportation and beyond. It is a good fit for me.

In addition to sleeping, I’ve had a lot of fun resuming participation in Toastmasters and even getting out there to do more geocaching. For many years I couldn’t imagine my life without school, but it sure was nice to be able to take a weeklong vacation in September.

Part of me really misses the structure of being in school and very directly learning things every day. I often think about a master’s in statistics or some kind of bachelor’s degree in engineering or computer science. I’ve managed to quell the urge by trying out some OpenCourseWare/MOOC-type classes.

Night Shift

I recently switched from working day shift to working night shift at a small community hospital in North Central West Virginia. There were a lot of good reasons to make the switch, ranging from shorter shifts to liking the quieter work environment. Believe it or not, even though the patient volumes can be just as high during the day, ER patients at night tend to be quieter. So far the greatest adaptation required is switching from the daylight life to the darkness.

Despite the fact I have worked as an EMT for several years, I never routinely worked one shift or another (and truthfully, I worked a lot of event or odd shifts). This means I never needed to adapt to a set shift, there were just some awkwardly long days and some “lost” days.
But this is the real deal and it’s an indefinite schedule. So here’s what I’ve been working on to make the adjustment:
  1. Regardless of how much my husband hates it, the bedroom is getting dark. Because daylight is a prompt that it is time to get up and be productive, I need as little of this as possible in the room I intend to sleep in.
  2. Keeping it cool, I’ve always slept better under cool conditions. Even though it may be warming up outside (especially this time of year), keeping it cool seems to help trick the body into thinking it is a totally normal time to be sleeping.
  3. Cutting out the caffeine by 2:00am. My shifts run from 10:30pm to 7:00am. I can usually get to bed by 7:45am (given the commute plus a few minutes to try and wind down). By holding back on the caffeine far less jittery on the road (you’re welcome, I-79 commuters) and feel more ready to sleep when I do get home.
  4. Packing healthy snacks. Caffeine is a great way to perk up, but I’m finding fruit, yogurt, and granola bars can help extend my usefulness as a night drone well beyond the end of my self-imposed caffeine deadline. 
  5. Establishing a routine. For example, I try to be in bed between 7:45am and 8:00am each day and I want to allow myself to sleep as long as possible. The first morning it was about 3 hours, then it was 6 hours, then it was about 4.5 hours, but gradually the amount of time my body will let me sleep at this point is extending. 
    1. Note: I’ve attempted to avoid using sleep aids, but have considered some basic over-the-counter aids (e.g. melatonin and diphenhydramine) but have so far resisted, trying to avoid needing them.
  6. Napping, it’s not just for pre-school kids! In the evening, prior to beginning my shift, I try to watch something on TV (the more mindless the better) and lay very comfortably on the couch. Sometimes I don’t get any sleep, sometimes I’m off to dreamland for an hour or two. It’s sort of like a last chance before re-entering the maelstrom that is the ER.
Having only been a “night-owl” for about two weeks, I’m sure I’ve got a lot to learn. I’d be interested in hearing any of your stories about adjusting to night shift as well as tips and tricks that have made your night shift life a little less weird.

Another Year, New Goals

Each year I set a number of goals in the same spirit that so many set New Year’s Resolutions. Occasionally, I’m lucky enough fulfill some of these goals after putting in some hard work. 

Goal #1: Complete my PhD in Civil Engineering. It’s been a good ride. In fact, I’ve spent more years at Penn State than any other school (I transferred to Chatham at the end of my freshman year). But now the desire to see what’s outside is growing ever so strongly. I’d like to fully enter the working world or even, heck, try my hand at medicine. But I can’t do any of these things until I wrap up the program that I’m in.

Goal #2: Continue to make better choices about what I eat. Trading a soda for a glass of water or packing a lighter lunch from what I’ve got at home instead of being tempted by the deep fried goodness at the hospital cafeteria. This serves two life-long goals: health and financial stewardship. 

Goal #3: Make plans to get out and see more of the area I live in. It’s difficult to know what the future holds and while we’re happy in West Virginia, life’s a long, strange road. Some folks that I know seem content to write off entire swaths of land or genres of activities if they’ve seen or done something like it once, doing less of that is a good thing for me. 

Goal #4: Learn about ways to improve my financial health long-term. Nearly being out from under the burden of student loans, I can anticipate having an extra few hundred dollars each month in the near future. Sure, that can buy me some clothes or nice dinners, but there are simple, low-risk ways to start putting that money to work. It would be nice to have a down-payment on a new home in the bank or even begin preparing for the time when I’m not going to want to have to work anymore.

Goal #5: Spend more of my time with friends doing things we enjoy. We don’t spend our time like we did in college, we’ve got spouses, kids, jobs, and other obligations that mean fewer opportunities to congregate in one place, in our pajamas, to binge watch Arrested Development. But going out to a nice restaurant, a weekend camping trip, or even taking a pizza over to a friend’s house for an hour or so of fellowship are feasible despite these changes.

Another Year Gone!

I recently celebrated a birthday and it was one of the few highlights of the past two to three weeks.

I didn’t really come out of any kind of social shell, at least offline, until I hit college. Like friendships so often do, I’ve had many great friends come, go, come back, and go away again. My birthday was a wonderful combination of friends old and new: from college to Chris's most recent set of coworkers.

There were few advance plans made so I was impressed that on short notice I could fill (and then some!) a table at my preferred hibachi place in Morgantown (less sticky than the other place).

Indeed, I felt that presence is so much more important than presents, even if it’s a Monday evening and almost no one has plans anyway!

Regardless, here’s to another great year of adventures with Chris, one where I will hopefully complete my Ph.D., and one where I will continue journey of a life rich with friends, knowledge, experience, and happiness.

Watershed Classes

In many academic programs there is a class that acts as a watershed moment. This class essentially determines whether or not you have what it takes to continue on your path. Most economics majors will tell you that the class that functions as the greatest test (and weeds out a lot of students) is the introductory class in econometrics. Indeed, it was this class that tested my interest in the field yet it has also been the one to best serve me as I have moved to specialize heavily in transportation.

A piece of advice I feel I received too late from one of my advisors at Chatham University was to hold on to the textbooks I used for my core or major classes. I hope others found use in my elementary micro- and macro- economics textbooks because I wish I had them now. Though I am glad it came in time for me to hold onto my econometrics book. Today, as I near the end of my academic career as a student, I just really wanted to see where it started.

I struggled through econometrics (at Chatham I think it was ECN 301). Frankly, it did almost run me out of the program screaming—though knowing how upset my dad would be if I called him and said I was falling back on my political science major and history minor, I figured it was best to stick it out. I got a B in the class and for as much perspiration I put into it, I think the professor, Dr. Charlotte Lott, went ten times further to help me than anyone would have expected her to.

Paging through it, I can’t believe it was such a challenge. It seems so simple. Now, I use regression analysis every day. If I am not measuring something, I’m reading and evaluating material that utilizes it. The class changed how I thought about my major and made my degree feel just a little more earned, even if it was a source of stress, late nights, and some serious cussing. The textbook once felt like an object of torture, now it’s like visiting an old friend.

"My life's normally about a 2, this week it's a 10"

It has been a challenging week, filled with twists, turns, and surprises. The title of this post refers to the level of excitement of my life on a scale of 1 to 10.

First, my advisor dropped a bombshell on me. I wrestled with it because he made the same decision I would have, I merely think I would have executed it a little differently. But with short notice, it means an already stressful time in wrapping up a major project is even more stressful. Though I do pride myself on being awesome when busy and entirely over-committed in every possible way, I believe that is what is presently shining through (confirmed by the comments of colleagues). It is always better to hope for strength in a trying situation, strength helps you the next time you’re thrust into a tough situation. I'm learning incalcuable amounts.

Then another faculty member had to urgently take a leave. With no provisions made for his class, I stepped up to fill some very impressive shoes. I have craved and, at times, simply begged to get more teaching experience in my PhD program. This isn’t exactly how I envisioned getting that experience. Thankfully, everyone in the class has been a good sport about it as we bravely forge on into the world of “alternative transportation approaches.”

It’s not over until it is over—or at least, until you’re off campus.

Constant Reminder

As discussed in a prior entry, Interstate-15 began my love affair with transportation safety. Since that hot day out in the Mojave, my mission in life has been to reduce mortality and improve how we use transportation. To celebrate that day, that moment when I realized what I wanted to spend my life doing, my husband acquired something very special.

I’m lucky to have a husband who realizes that an I-15 shield would mean more to me than a flashy piece of jewelry. The shield routinely reminds me of when I realized how important transportation is in our lives and the toll of serious crashes takes on individuals, transportation networks, and even the economy. It embodies the reminder one sometimes needs while working on a PhD or even just tackling challenges at work.

If you forget why you’re doing what you’re doing or think you’ve lost your way, find something that never fails to bring you back—whether it’s a picture of your kids (cats? spouse?) or if it is a borderline ridiculous trinket that may require some explanation to those who don’t know you well, like an Interstate Highway shield.